Jenn: He won’t wear boots. I’m like, they’re not just for cowboys and he’s like, they’re for cowboys. So he refuses to wear boots.

Me: Is this the scandalous one?

Fab: Eh, when they’re rich, there’s always scandals.

Me: Is it true that men can turn off their brains?

Guy at Party: Oh yeah, all the time.

Chungie: I never had it on to be honest.

Dustin: I love 50 Cent, he’s a professional hater.

Me: As a person that—

Becca: Shits a lot?

Me: Well, I guess you could say that.

Andy: I think my views have changed.

Me: Since when?

Andy: Since just now.

(Watching TV)

Me: 晴天？That’s the 晴 in my name! That’s my name! That’s me!

Dad: She got pushed off a cliff.

Me: That’s not me, that’s not me.

Callie: And I found him in the back, sitting in the office chair, sucking on a ketchup packet.

Me: Was he poor?

Callie: No, he was high.

Ivy: Yeah, this girl was very anti-technology, she had a flip phone. Anyway, she moved to Nova Scotia and gave it to me.

Helen: I would say it doesn’t bother me, but I also live in squalor.